Hard to get

Amanda from Somerville (and by Somerville, I mean Slummaville) has a question about exactly how hard to pursue a guy.

how does a girl balance out showing a guy shes into him with playing hard to get... whats too much? whats too little?

Answer: Well, part of me already wants to kick you where you tinkle because I can't f*cking stand stupid games. Hard to get, mind games, "oh I'm interested...now I'm not!" -- any broad that plays those games makes me wanna bitch slap a midget. And it's no offense to you, but I'm just a straight up kind of guy. If I like you, you'll know it, because I'll act like it. If I'm only interested in getting down your pants, well, you'll know that too, mainly because I'll tell you outright that "I'm not looking for a relationship, just for a good time." Point is, I'm pretty blunt (if you couldn't tell from this blog), and some chicks dig it while others don't.

Here's the thing with how hard to play hard to get -- it depends on the guy. But it also depends on how much you wanna be a total bitch and f*ck with his head. Guys can act tough or act like sh*t doesn't bother them, but straight up, if a girl is f*cking with their head, they're gonna get pissed off/upset about it. They might not show it as much as a girl does, but it happens. So if you're a dude that meets a girl and it seems like you hit it off right away and have a good time, then the next day you turn around and they act like they aren't interested -- yeah, you have every right to get pissed off and tell the girl to go f*ck herself. I would, and I have. Games and sh*t are cool when you're in middle school/high school or whatever because what relationship is actually serious around then? Sure, some people marry their high school sweethearts, but what person starts dating someone when they're 15 and immediately says, "I'm gonna marry this girl/guy."

You want my advice on how much you should play hard to get? Don't play it at all. Try this wild mindset that's innovative and sweeping countries across the world by storm -- being yourself. Don't put on an act. Don't act like you're into a guy one minute then pull back while you're sitting there IMing your girlfriends going, "OMGZ I HOPE HE LIKEZ ME!!" -- because guess what, some guys (like yours truly) are stubborn. If you act like you're not interested, then we'll move on without calling your bluff. Why don't you try acting chill and just being yourself and having a good time instead of worrying how much you should play a game. Because if you keep playing games, you're gonna end up with douchebag guys, and eventually end up single while you're going through menopause wishing you did sh*t differently.

When guys act like movie stars

Steve from Saskatchewan (Really? That's gotta be made up) has a question about what you broads really want.

Hey man, can you help me with something? I don't get why girls always say they want guys like they see in movies (like in The Notebook or whatever) then when you act that way, they just up and dump you. Help?

Answer: Well, the biggest reason they probably just up and drop you as soon as you start to act like the dude in The Notebook or any other lame ass love story is the fact that those movie characters are total f*cking p*ssies. And no offense, but the fact that you legit try to adapt yourself to come across as one of those guys (who are fake, by the way...they're f*cking FAKE people) makes you a p*ssy, too. Because not only do you sit there and turn into someone who open-mouth kisses the ground a chick walks on, but you also pretty much take the pants right off your hips and put them on hers. You TOTALLY make yourself her bitch, which can be fun in some cases (AKA when you're both naked) but in everyday life, no way. (And for the record, ladies, I think it's idiotarded when dudes order girls around like they're servants, too).

Here's part 2 of my answer -- girls are f*cked. Girls have no idea what they want, which is why guys can never do the right thing. They change what they want more than Paris Hilton changes sex partners in a day. Seriously...does it ever occur to you that when chicks say they want a dude like in the movies, they always end up dating some total uber-c*ckbag that sh*ts all over them? There's a method behind their madness. They date douchebags because 1) they want the unattainable (which, if the guy's a douchebag, he's not unattainable because he just wants to attain the girl's box), and 2) when an assh*le guy does something nice, it's a HUGE deal since he's always a douche. When a nice guy does something nice, it's pretty much everyday life. (And again, for the record girls, the main reason you're all f*cked up is because assh*le guys get their hands on you, f*ck you over, and make you damaged goods for the rest of us.)

So here's my advice, Steve. Quit being a bitch and stick with who you are. If you're a total wiseass, be a total wiseass. If a chick doesn't like it, tell her to f*ck off and wait for a girl who can actually take a joke to come around. On the flip side, if you're a hopeless romantic, well...I'll still think you're a p*ssy, but at least I'll respect the fact that it's YOU being a hopeless romantic and not a fake you trying to get a girl's attention.

P.S. Ladies, feel free to leave your comments on this post about why you make these decisions.

Girls farting

Nicole from the ole 603 (that'd be New Hampshire, ya clowns) has a question about chicks and passing gas. Ew.

is it really a turn off to a guy when a girl farts? and what if she does it in her sleep?

Answer: Look, here's the deal with chicks and farting. Guys operate with the belief that broads are totally incapable of doing anything that involves an ass (except sex, obviously). So that means no hairy asses, and NO farting. Hell, guys operate with the mind set that chicks don't even poop. So to answer your question, you low-class hussy, YES...it's a TOTAL turn off to a guy when a chick rips a fart.

Just ask the chick who thought it'd be funny to fart on my head while we were wrestling around and got a swift slap to the vagina patch. But don't ask Taj Mahal Badlandaban from Van Wilder. Just click here, stupid YouTube wouldn't let me embed it.

One Night Stands

Victoria from South Carolina has a question about one night stands.

Is it bad that I kind of want to have a one-night stand? I don't really consider myself a slut or a whore or anything, but I just kinda wanna get my rocks off, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Everyone has needs, right?

Answer: My advice is this -- marry me. Please.

Okay so here's the deal, it's cool that you're admitting that you have needs, because honestly I can't stand when chicks act like total prudes that don't have the same needs as dudes. At the same time, you're totally making yourself sound like a mega slut. Because then people are gonna think you just spread your legs for anyone when you're horny, whether it's a friend, a boyfriend, or Fat Tony you met in the bar 20 minutes ago. And for all I know, that's the truth. But if I'm Fat Tony and thinking I'm gonna get a piece of ass from some hot chick I barely had to talk to in a bar, I should probably expect some awkward puss-filled bumps on my shaft a week or so later.

But getting to the answer -- no, I don't think there's a problem with hooking up with someone to get a release if you're not a total whore about it. If you're going out every night and having some random dude plow you so you can get your fix, then yeah, I probably wouldn't let my schlong get within 20 feet of you. Not a big fan of penis-gangrene. But if you're pretty much just getting your fix with a constant hookup, then I say it's cool. And high-five for you not being a stereotypically boring prude girl.

Breaking the lazy habit

Pete from Florida has a question about getting active.

Hey man, I wanna get more active but the whole idea of going to a gym to work out just doesn't get me motivated. It seems like work. I know I sound lazy, but it's just not appealing. What should I do?

Answer: I hear ya man...laying down watching re-runs of Family Guy while you shove countless packages of Twinkies down your throat is so much more appealing. Because really, it pays off in the end...when you're sitting there on the couch bitching about how fat you are and how the only person that's seen your penis in the last 5 years is your pet cat -- who you actually sat on and killed 6 months ago without knowing it. So congratulations -- you killed the only p*ssy you've had a chance of touching.

In all seriousness, I DO hear ya. Because the thought of going to run on a treadmill for an hour sounds kinda boring and tedious, but that's where you gotta mix it up. Sign up for a softball team or something and get your exercise in that way. Or sign up for a dodgeball team. A REAL good workout is racquetball...my buddy actually had me play a game with him a few weeks ago and I'm hooked. It's a fun time but a real good workout too. So try doing active stuff that's fun to you (pick-up game of basketball or football works too) instead of looking at exercising as treadmills and weights that don't turn you on.

Am I dead?

Tommy from Minnesota has an interesting question about how he should save my life.

Yo bro. You dead? Haven't posted in a while...what should I do to resurrect you?

Answer: I'd say the best thing to get me to return from the dead would be to convince Gina Carano and Olivia Wilde to double-team my corpse. I mean, sh*t...I'm dead, so I'm in rigor mortis already, so hello Mr. Stiffy (P.S. my penis is NOT named Mr. Stiffy, although that'd be pretty funny.) But do me a favor and tell those broads that neither me nor my dead body are into golden showers or that 2 girls 1 cup bullsh*t.

In all seriousness, I've been super busy the last couple weeks and was away this past weekend for my buddy's wedding, but I'm BACK (until I go on vacation in another 2 weeks). Deal with it, suckas. But thanks for being concerned about my existance on earth.

Anal sex

Melissa from New York has a question about how to tell her boyfriend she's looking for something more in the bedroom.

hey, i know this sounds weird but how do i tell my boyfriend i want to try anal sex?

Answer: Here's a novel idea -- try walking up to him and saying, "Hey honey, I want you to throw it in my bum. K?"

Seriously, this is a f*cking stupid question. If you want him to try something, then tell him. And if you're nervous about him saying no, ask him while you're in the middle of banging...he's more likely to say yes. Although he will anyway, because a dude likes a tight spot for his schlong, and your bumhole must be tighter than your vag, unless you've had the Dallas Cowboys' entire defensive line run train on your poop shoot.

By the way, be a trooper and by some extra strength soap for your boyfriend's sh*t-covered schlong when you're done...I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Cheating in a divorce?

My girl Amy has a good question about relationships during a divorce.

when is it too soon to start dating while going through a divorce...is dating during a divorce really having an affair?

Answer: Okay, 2 part question...I'll tackle it like I tackle broads in my bed every night (and by broads, I mean my 2 pillows and my Sox blanket. Yes, I'm 26 and have a favorite blanket...f*ck off.) Okay, part 1...why do broads ALWAYS think there's some sort of time limit on when you can date after a breakup without looking like a whore? First off, who cares what other people think (unless you're legit known for spreading your legs for anything with a schlong, then you should probably get your head checked...along with your diseased cooter.) But really, there's no time limit...personally I'd probably wait until after a divorce was final to have a relationship with someone, but that's me. I mean, I don't think it's in the wrong to be open to meeting people while you're getting divorced and becoming friends, but I just think you're asking for trouble if you get in a legit relationship while you're still legally married.

As far as part 2 goes, the hooking up while getting divorced thing goes -- here's where people are gonna be like "OMGZ YOU'RE SUCH A GUY!" -- I think it's okay. Just hear me out -- with a relationship, that is emotional. And let's be real, people get in relationships because they like the person and want to get to know them better and possibly get married. That's what dating is -- finding your future wife/husband. But hooking up -- it's just getting off. So while dating (AKA looking for your future life-mate) during a divorce is bad news in my eyes, getting your rocks off is...well...getting your rocks off. The only problem with that is a good chunk of chicks can't separate feelings from just plain sex.

So long story short -- don't rush it on the relationships (even AFTER the divorce is final) because...um...hello, it's a divorce. That's huge. But as far as sex...go out and get yourself plowed, woman!

Watching the wallet at Christmas

Looks like Ben from Seattle has a question about trying to save money during Christmas.

Hey man, any advice on how I can get through Christmas without having to live in a cardboard box?

Answer: Well the simple answer would be just tell your family you can't afford to get them gifts this year, but apparently they're lacking some brain power out in Seattle since you felt the need to ask a question with such an obvious answer.

Look dude, if your family is gonna bitch and moan like a 5-year-old about you having to watch your spending, then they suck anyway and you shouldn't get them stuff in the first place. And if it's a girlfriend that's gonna be a big baby about not getting anything for Christmas from you, then push that materalistic broad into oncoming traffic and walk away.

In all seriousness though, if you feel bad not getting any gifts for ANYONE, just buy stuff for your parents. They'll probably tell you not to get anything for them anyway if they know you're hurtin on money and they aren't total assbags. But you can get them something small and cheap like a picture frame or a new ornament for the tree or whatever. If you gotta worry about a girlfriend and you're too much of a vagbag to kick her to the curb if she demands a gift, get her some girly smelling stuff or some stuff from Bath and Body Works (if that place even still exists) that has like shampoo, body wash, and girl-smell spray in a basket...they aren't too expensive. Or you can tell her you're gonna make her a dinner one night and that'll be her present.

So there ya go man -- either tell people you can't afford gifts this year, or just buy for the essential people (like the producer of the sperm and egg that put your ass on this earth in the first place).

Suicidal thoughts

Well we had some light questions yesterday, but we're getting a little heavy with Rachel's question that comes from Iowa. (People live in Iowa?)

My best friend of 15 years constantly talks about suicide, I feel like Ive tried everything to help her and its not working, I don't want to give up on her, Do you have any suggestions on what I should do?

Answer: Yeah, tell her to give you the gun so you can pull the trigger yourself. I'm gonna apologize right off the bat for what I'm about to say, because I know it's a sensitive subject to some people out there, but suicide talk always pisses me off. And it's not even like I've had any family/friends that have killed themselves or like I've even thought about it, but it just annoys the sh*t out of me. Really? Is your life THAT BAD that your only way out is to swallow a bottle of pills or hang yourself from the ceiling? Or you're so heartbroken over being dumped by a guy/girl that your biggest comeback is, "Tell my parents I won't be home for dinner and it's your fault" -- really? I really think if a girl ever threatened me with that, I'd call her bluff. Because it'd obviously be for attention, and anyone who kills themselves over getting dumped by a guy or girl is a f*cking waste of space anyway.

But anyway, off of my "suicide is for the weak and attention-starved" rant, best bet to do is get her some help. Now I highly doubt that she's been thinking about suicide for the 15 years you've been friends, but I get the impression it's been an ongoing battle. So I say throw her in a car one time (even if you have to roofie the chick to knock her out) and drive her to a hospital and bring her to the psych ward. They can at least strap her down or give her some happy pills or throw her in a padded cell so she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else. But yeah, in all seriousness, I'd get her help whether she wants it or not. Even if she hates you for it and your friendship is over...at least you can go to bed at night knowing you were a kickass best friend and saved a life. Ya know, like The Fray song.